Worst Writing of the Week

Week 22, 2010

“International sport, to awkwardly paraphrase Carl von Clausewitz, is politics by other means…If a team refuses to play Israel because they don’t want to be party to the public relations objectives of a state engorged with violence, then that is nothing to be “saddened” about. But this raises another question: if one supports the boycotting of Israeli teams, then where do we draw the line? Would we praise teams refusing to play the United States because of the civilian death tolls in Afghanistan and Iraq? What about rejecting China as an opponent because of their labor practices or treatment of the people of Tibet? Should teams refuse to play any countries directly involved in what they perceive as injustice? Once again, I will say hell yes.” (Dave Zirin/The Huffington Post)

Week 21, 2010

“Get the restrainers ready, nurse. Diego’s demons are coming out to play. He’s as skittish as a Mother Superior tricked into ­kneeling on a whoopee cushion in a confessional.” (Michael Calvin/Daily Mirror)

Week 20, 2010

“[I]it is easy to feel irritated by the manager Pep Guardiola, who is clearly bright and even nice but spoils this by looking like a swanky graphic designer, someone who might own a coffee table made out of barbed wire…Above all I dislike their non‑contact tippy-tappy style of play, often deemed, like Barcelona themselves, to be intrinsically ‘good’. I have a theory the popularity of this style owes a lot to the fact that it looks good on TV: a televisual style, suited to the armchair rhythms of possession-foul-replay-pundit-blather. It is so obviously and demonstrably high end. Oh look – a backheel! A dinky one-two! This is good football even if you don’t really know that much about football, accessibly high spec like a £40 bottle of Sauvignon Blanc.” (Barney Ronay/The Guardian)

Week 19. 2010

“It would take a long shift with a polystyrene beaker on The Strand to collect enough money to pop into the Savoy Grill for lunch. But that would seem a pretty succinct précis of the business plan for “a summer of rebuilding” at many Premier League clubs. Their stomachs are increasingly gnawed by hunger, and their derrières chilled by a cold pavement – but they still want to feast like maharajahs….They have all been swanking around like the masters of a 1,000-year Reich, but suddenly mendacious financing is making mendicants of many.” (Chris McGrath/The Independent)

Week 18, 2010

“It’s the lure of what many call the greatest tournament of all. Not everything is scripted and anything can happen when national pride and sport collide on the global stage…
Thankfully, only the players can deliver the magic once the World Cup begins.” (Scott Russell/FIFA World Cup Blog)

“In the visitors’ dressing room at Anfield this lunchtime, before the team emerge on to the grassy battleground, one of Chelsea’s most dangerous weapons will take out a bottle of perfume and aim a few sprays at his pristine blue shirt. As pre-match rituals go, it is not the most macho of acts to prepare himself for a game that is critical to his team’s title aspirations. Florent Malouda borrowed the custom from an old team-mate at Guingamp, who reasoned that, if he swapped shirts at the end of the game, he wanted to be sure it smelled fresh.

“There are some luxury players it would be easy to mock about such stuff. To those of a more languid disposition you might ask: why bother with the perfume? But such has been the prodigious effort Malouda has put into this campaign he has given sweat as well as sweet technique for his team.” (Amy Lawrence/The Guardian)

Week 17, 2010

“Ultimately there can only be one winner…..and, equally, one loser. The winner will be the winner….The loser will be Real Madrid!” (BD Connell/Soccerlens)

Week 16, 2010

“It may sound strange, surely terribly, horribly wrong, and it’s highly advised you don’t use it out of context, but Thierry Henry and a 17 year old hooker might be France’s best chance to win the World Cup.” (chris/World Cup Blog)

“It’s fair to say that Bendtner remains a work in progress at Arsenal, so the jury is still out on whether he’ll become a champ or a chump. In the meantime, all he needs to do is keep finding the net.” (David Showell/Inside Futbol)

Week 15, 2010

“Gary Neville and Carlos Tevez are under police orders, however, not to be ‘provocative’ at today’s match. I know that “provocative” means any action designed to get a reaction; I’ve just always found it difficult to distance it from it’s sexual meaning. I’ve certainly always felt that even a glimpse of stocking from Neville could raise temperatures uncontrollably in the Eastlands. Combine this with the allegations of boot-licking Tevez made against him during the year, and the sexual frisson becomes almost unbearable.” (Dara O Briain/The Guardian)

“We were told that ESPN was working with YouTube, which I thought sounded like a good idea (not sure why, but it sounded right, OK?) — and they proved this by showing us some clips which I didn’t understand until I realized I’d misheard, and it was U2 they were working with. Weren’t they ever — the usual manic screaming and people leaping about all over the place.” (Paul Gardner/SoccerAmerican)

Week 14, 2010

“Last week there were two stories about the Hammers: the first to the effect that henceforth they would be sponsored by Ann Summers and the players would thus be running around losing games with French ticklers on the fronts of their shirts, the second that they intended to take action against Fulham for fielding a ‘weakened’ team against West Ham’s relegation rivals, Hull City.

“Oddly, only one of these stories was an April Fool spoof — the stuff about Fulham was true, it seems. As an example of blind and purblind cheek, frankly, it ranks alongside Hitler sending the Jews the gas bill.” (Rod Liddle/The Times)

Week 13, 2010 (a tie)

“In a world where most players are rated from one to 10, and despite the fact that he wears 10 on his back for both club and country, the football deities definitely turned it up to 11 when they made Lionel Messi.” (Phil Minshull/BBC)

“To assume this Bayern team were motivated by an urge to avenge United’s astonishing comeback in 1999 would be to buy into convenient hype. Yet a feature of football’s biggest names is that great victories and painful defeats seep into the psyche and resurface through whichever players happen to wear the shirt.” (Paul Hayward/The Guardian )

Week 12, 2010 (a tie)

“The men fishing off the pier as the sunsets over kissing couples are having a bad day. Their lines are strong but the nutrition they seek is as of yet out of reach from their lures. Dark turbulent waters absorb crystal clear skies, hiding the unknown. Staring past the rods and reels and down the lines, they see nothing but the detritus of past efforts floating in the blackness. So the fishermen sit and wait. They remember yesterdays—some wins, some loses—and whatever the outcome of today, they will be well served not to be cocky tomorrow. Such it is with American soccer.” (Adam Spangler/MLSSoccer.com)

“[Martin] Vasquez [the manager of Chivas USA] has, in essence, brought in some authentic Mexican ingredients with which to cook. Gone are the olive oil and basil of last season, and in are the manteca and cilantro. We’ll pass on the crunchy tacos, but another plate of tacos de lengua and some carnitas estilo Michoacan, por favor. And Vasquez isn’t afraid to throw in some pupusas and casados on the platter. (Luis Bueno/SI)

Week 11, 2010

“If you are a man, you know the feeling. At a party, you encounter a beautiful woman, perhaps a tad exotic. She speaks with a hint of an accent — South American? — and she dresses a notch above the people you hang around with. Is that a Sapphire martini in her hand? You think about approaching her. But in the end, you shy away.

“America is that man. The World Cup is the exotic, unattainable object of fascination. The Quadrennial Awkward Date resumes.” (Alex Beam/IHT.com; further deconstruction by Dan Wiersema/Match Fit USA)

Week 10, 2010

“Well a bloke called Eden Hazard has put Liverpool in danger of having the worst season in recent memory. Eden? Hazard? That’ll be the snake then. The one that made Eve bite the apple and realise that she and her fella were starkers and ashamed.

“Which begs the question: ‘Where’s the fig leaf for Rafa now?’ What’s he going to use to cover the shame? The twin clumps of foliage that are Fernando Torres and Steven Gerrard seem to have withered and crumpled in the frosty mists of winter.” (Derek Robson/Robbo Robson’s Blog)

Week 9, 2010

“[Rio] Ferdinand has presence — I am struck by his bulging biceps -– but he doesn’t swagger. He is wary, especially when he hears O’Connor has brought a camera crew along, but seems as grounded as those who know him claim. He plonks his orthopaedic cushion on the seat next to me and we can begin, the rules of the game dictating that I show a passionate interest in his new brand before raising thornier subjects.” (Stephen Moss, The Guardian)